It’s a clear and callous lie,
but if you hide who you are then you can hide who you’ll never be
And then you feel you have to hide,
‘cause people don’t see what’s inside
and if people don’t see what’s inside then they can never hate you for who
only for who you want them to see.
If you lower your head, if you never look people in the eye, maybe they’ll
think you’re just shy,
Maybe you won’t have to face the fact that you can’t look up,
even if you wanted to.
What would it be like to live in a prison inside of your head?
what would it be like to feel enclosed by those around you
people acting like bars,
Words as locks and the eyes of everyone around -
confining you to these four blank walls?
Please don’t look at me,
Please don’t ask,
Please don’t make the center of your dreaded attention.
Please don’t make me leave my house, the false safety of familiarity,
because “What can I do for you today?”,
"Is there something you would like to drink?”
and “How are you?” are too much for me to answer
And the rushing of blood in my ears is louder than my thoughts,
And my breathing is caught fast and held by your gaze.
When the discomfort is unbearable but you can’t find the words,
even if you do, you face the panic of knowing that you’re voice will shake,
And the tears will come.
Rehearsing a simple conversation, make it smoother so you don’t stumble,
because the fear of that failure,
the look of that disappointment or pity in the eyes of someone else,
That is more than I want to bear,
That is more than I can bear.
And the fear of being a coward, a weakling --
that is more than my mind can take.
So I don’t try because it’s easier that way. So I don’t speak, so I don’t look
up, so I don’t go outside because it’s easier that way,
because I won’t hate myself that way.
I won’t make memories of times that make scars on my skin.
Only when you’re all alone can you show it -
show the tears,
and the heartache,
and the misery.
You confide in the ceiling
or carpet on the floor,
or anything else but the blindly sympathetic eyes of another person.
You can take off your rings
and pound your hand
mercilessly into the walls of the shower,
or stand in the shallow depths of the darkened water,
but nothing changes.
The porcelain never cracks and the water never goes above your knees,
and you know it has to stay that way.
With every passing day you unravel,
But it has to stay inside and away
From the eyes
and the ears
and the words.
With every passing day
and you fall
and you break
until the freedom comes in empty darkness
and pulls you into the numbing shadows that you trapped inside
and left to die
Just let me hide in a cocoon of lies,
Let me hide and say
and ‘it’s okay’.
And please don’t press and please don’t ask why and please
just let me live a lie.
Because I can’t let you see the tears in my eyes
and I can’t let you see that the world gets to me because it’s all okay
and it’s all fine,
and I promise that it’s not another lie.
I can look at you
and I can smile,
and I can put on a show
and make you believe
but if you just don’t ask then I won’t have to play these games
and I can just close my eyes
and breathe in the night
and pretend like I’m the only thing alive
and that the stars shine just for me
and that the world stays alive because I am alive and that’s how it was
meant to be.
You start to worry
about every little thing happening around you-
‘How is this--’
and no one can ever understand why this is happening.
They try to tell you to calm down and to ‘suck it up’,
but it’s not that easy.
You need to let this feeling pass through you until the events occur.
These thoughts will continue to race laps
around the track we know as a mind, and will stay there
until one wins,
which in this case, will be when something is achieved.